The last time I updated my blog was last year, probably five to six months or maybe even more than that. I never planned to abandon my little internet space, I loved this space! It’s just there are things that I needed to think about, things that I went through, and things that I need to fix on my own. It was also an eye opener for me to be honest.
Please, hear my heart out.
I’ve only been in love twice. First was obviously my first boyfriend. Who I loved dearly, who I loved so much and my sole inspiration to write those poems in the first place.
Second was the recent one. The reason of my absence in my little internet space, the whole reason why I stopped taking photographs, writing poems and even reading blogs. He was the reason why I don’t spend that much time on my blog. Fair enough, I still get time to sneak and read blogs before. And obviously, as I am writing and finishing this up, it is because the relationship is over.
Both relationships were long distance.
I knew my first boyfriend when I was in college. I knew him since the very first day of college til we graduated. We were friends, casual friends. We talk, we laugh at our silly jokes and that’s about it. He says he liked me ever since, but I was hesitant and probably afraid to get hurt. I had feelings for him before he even confessed his. Merely, it was a mutual feelings — that we both adored and enjoyed. I still can remember the way we laugh and enjoyed each other’s company even if we don’t do anything. Distance broke us apart.
It took me years til I finally open up my heart to anyone. I wasn’t so sure if I am going to find someone who will accept me as me. Being the shy, quiet and awkward woman that I am, for sure I’ll have a hard time trusting anyone.
Then I met him – the recent one.
It sure was unexpected. I met him when we had that month long vacation back in the Philippines. We weren’t even introduced formally. It was two people who were both quiet and awkward. There were no hi’s and hello’s. Not until we are about to board on our flight back in the US. I remember adding him on Facebook, because why not ~ we met personally and honestly, I had a small crush on him. Then, he messaged me. And that was it. Not until mid June/July we started communicating more. Talking about our lives and probably getting to know more. Til mid August – day before his birthday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. The more I start to type and finish this post I suddenly felt I needed a cry. It wasn’t the love that I expected to be honest, different from the love I felt before.
It was a tough choice, a different aspect of love that I felt. It wasn’t the love I expected. There are doubts and we fight almost every week. I got tired, I got exhausted of the fighting. I knew it wasn’t the love I wanted. It took me five months to realized that things were off and things aren’t going anywhere.
I read somewhere that whenever you read the verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and it applies to the man/woman you are with at that moment, then that is real love. I’ve read that verse a thousand times but why do I find it odd that it doesn’t apply to him nor to our relationship that time. And I quote:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
That is one way God is telling me to stop. I started eating less and my mind was bothered at all times — thus the reason why I lost some weight. I cried a lot, I sleep late and wake up soooo early just so we could talk. It wasn’t the ideal relationship I wanted. We were constantly on our phones 24/7 and I was aware of it…that it isn’t healthy anymore.
I had to stop everything. I had to stop the love I am feeling towards him. He started to be so selfish, he started to question my beliefs and started to question me as myself.
I am a Child of my Lord, that’s one thing I am sure of. And He guided me throughout the entire relationship. My Lord loves me that He wanted me to be happy, He made sure that I am okay, that I will be not harmed. And He did, He saved me from an abusive relationship – verbal abuse I must say.
It took me a long time to finally open up, to talk about this in the first place. I made fair and not so good decisions that I’ve already regret — one thing was this relationship. Up to now, I still ask myself, Why did I let someone beat me up with harmful words. I stood up strong, wake up each day with a smile in my heart because my Lord is the Greatest. He protected me right before I book a ticket to go home and see him. Thus I shout, “God is good, all the time!”
No one has the right to question anyone’s beliefs whether it is religiously or personally. You are your own self. You don’t need someone’s opinion and no one has the right to rule or control you.
That’s one thing I’ve learned from that relationship. As of the moment, I am living life the best I can and the happiest I can be. I have my God beside me, I have my loving family beside me and I have you guys who accepted and who appreciates me.
I am trying to be strong as I can be. Getting all the weight that I lost and focusing more on myself, my work and my family. I am starting to learn more about life and the people you meet are not exactly the same. They all wear different masks and once you get to know them, the mask you once saw is beyond different from their self.
I always tell myself, “I am strong. And I am a Child of God”, because I definitely am strong and I stand to be the best I can and the happiest I can be.
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